Of Wineries and Women
by lishbish
Summary: After two years of a relationship with Holly, Artemis is dumped and moves to Barcelona, where he becomes a slightly successful food critic. He hates women and all they entail with a vengeance. Or maybe he just really needs a girlfriend. Strong T for drinking, drunkenness, cursing, and suggestiveness. Didn't want to go all the way to M, though.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

**Hey everyone! This is my first try at an original character. You don't meet her until the next chapter but I want her to be as "real" as possible. Hopefully you won't find any Mary Sues here.**

* * *

Artemis had absolutely no patience whatsoever for the entire female population of the world. Period.

…Except, possibly, for his mother. But that was it.

Women, according to him, were flighty, frivolous, seductive, and utterly distracting. Holly had walked out on him years ago, and he was through with those evilly beautiful creatures called women. After Holly left, he couldn't stand to stay in Ireland and be just that close to her. So he moved to Spain. He liked Spain, there it was warm most of the time, and there was no shortage of delicious food and wine. He had become what is now commonly known as a foodie, and when he wasn't devising plans for world domination, he was mercilessly killing the egos of every fine restaurant and winery Spain had to offer.

Just kidding.

He _did _critique food, but he was at least honest. When he tasted something he liked, he said so.

And Artemis was never one for world domination, either. He lived off of the Fowl fortune and what earnings he got from writing food and wine articles for La Verdad, the biggest newspaper in Barcelona.

It was a comfortable, if slightly boring and lonely, life.

Of _course _he still had Butler, and of _course _he had a few friends from his job and the various restaurants he was often found at. But he often craved more.

Attention from a _woman._

Ugh! They were everywhere! The daughters of winemakers and wealthy restaurant owners, to beautiful Spanish models and actresses, to common whores.

But none of them interested him.

The daughters of his friends were either too young or ridiculously spoiled, the actresses were vapid and silly, and the whores probably all had some sort of horrible disease.

But good lord, were they distracting.

Ugh. Women.

**I'm not going to beg for reviews, but tell me what you think! It will be greatly appreciated! And yes, I am quite aware that this is too short. The actual chapters will be longer, so bear with me si'l vous plait.**


	2. Chapter One

Chapter one, in which we meet the OC

* * *

Artemis rose from his bed and rubbed his eyes. Pausing briefly in horror to feel the stubble that had sprouted from his chin, he walked with the air of someone that had perhaps overindulged the night before.

Of course, he had. Spanish sherry is a force not to be reckoned with.

_Coffee. I need coffee._

_What the hell? I hate coffee. I need tea._

After a rather painful shave and shower, Artemis ventured into the kitchen only to see a large, blond man drinking coffee at his dining room table.

"We're out of tea," said Butler.

"Fuck," replied Artemis (who was definitely at the height of his wit this morning).

"You could go to that coffee house. The one that you sneered at when we moved here."

"I hate coffee."

"They have tea. Most coffee houses do these days."

"I'll be back shortly," the young man said as he hurriedly jammed his wallet and his cell phone into his pocket.

The door slammed, and Butler laughed.

"I have no fucking idea if they have tea or not."

* * *

Artemis walked down the street, his breath fogging in the cold of the morning. The heat of summer was rapidly wearing down, and while Spanish winters are never too cold, October mornings can be a bitch.

Lost in his thoughts, he didn't notice the prostitute calling him.

That is, until said prostitute grabbed his shoulder.

"You want to bang or not? I'll be very quick…" she said lazily in Catalan.

Artemis stood, completely unsure of what to do. He had witnessed whores on the street before, but none of them had ever actually approached him.

At least, not while he was still in the midst of a hangover.

The woman, her makeup smeared and her eyelids droopy, attempted a seductive smile and reached for his hand when they heard another woman's yell.

"THERE you are, darling! Jesu Maria, I've been looking everywhere!" The speaker was a young woman, perhaps Artemis' age, with short brown hair.

Before the working girl could say anything more, the brown haired girl grabbed Artemis' arm and dragged him away. After they were out of earshot of the whore, Artemis jerked his arm away and swore.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Dear God, man, I was attempting to save you from Sara! She was diagnosed with HIV a few months ago and apparently hates condoms with a vengeance."

So Artemis' theory of the prostitutes having diseases were right!

"You know," the woman continued, "if you really want a girl, try the De Cortes house. They're usually clean, and cheap too."

"Leave me alone," and with that, he stalked into the coffee house and took a place in line.

"Oh, what a coincidence. This is my favorite place to come for Ceylon tea," the girl chirped, taking a place behind him.

_This is why I don't go to coffee shops_, Artemis thought mutinously. _God damn it, all I wanted was tea!_

"You know, you could say thank you. I saved you from a very serious disease."

"You really think I was talking to that woman because I wanted to? She pounced on me."

"Yeah, and you looked so very terrified." With that, she began to laugh. It was not a completely unpleasant sound, thought he.

He attempted to ignore her, but as a Fowl, he simply could not stand being laughed at, so he sent a glare in her direction. When that simply made her laugh harder, he sighed.

"Fine. Thank you. Don't make me say it again." He turned his back on her.

"You're quite welcome. What's your name, anyway?"

"Not one that you need to know."

"Very nice, I approve of your mother's choice," she said as she rolled her eyes.

Not sure what had possessed him at all, he said, "Actually, it was my father who named me."

"Great. He sounds like a man who wants his son to have a social life."

Artemis rolled his eyes at her and peered over the shoulder of the man in front of him, just to see how the line was moving.

Unfortunately, due to an accident involving an irate hippie complaining about how little coffee growers are paid, a large vanilla latte, and a now broken espresso maker, not at all.

He looked over at the girl cautiously. Her hair was short, so short that it barely grazed her chin. It was cut choppily and hung into her hazel eyes. She wasn't beautiful, but she was pretty and she had a sort of air about her that, if he were even considering receiving any sort of romantic attention from a woman, would definitely attract him to her. Currently, she was checking out the barista, who was trying desperately to wring vanilla latte from his shirt, exposing his well-toned stomach in the process.

Suddenly, Artemis wanted her attention on him.

"Artemis."

"Huh?" She looked at him strangely.

"That's my name."

"It's a pleasure…I'm Adere. That's Basque," she said, sticking her chin out proudly and offering him her hand.

They shook hands, both trying hard to be the dominant. When she took her hand away first, Artemis (quite childishly) smirked internally. The line had begun moving again so Artemis turned away so as to peruse the list of drinks.

Ceylon blend, Oolong, Green, Assorted Blooming, Chai, Lemon, Peppermint…

"Their black teas are good. Stay away from the herbal teas entirely and drink the green tea with caution."

"…why?"

"Because of the salmonella outbreak in peppermint. All of their herbal teas use peppermint."

"…thanks."

Artemis turned away again and ordered a British breakfast tea with milk. Adere ordered a Chai tea right after. He took his tea when they called his name, and began to walk home.

"Hey!"

He turned slowly, half expecting it to be Sara again. Instead, it was Adere, clutching her tea and walking towards him.

"Where do you live? Maybe I should walk you home. Just in case, you know, some whore tries to jump you or something."

"I'm sure I'll manage."

"If you're sure…"

"Well, I am."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"I'll see you around…Artemis," she said, a genuine smile on her face. She turned and left, leaving Artemis more confused than he had been for a very, very long time.


End file.
